The other day a reader asked me if I “could give him a hint on how to stay out of the ‘friend zone’?” Since I myself have a hard time with the whole thing, I posed the question of some of my girl friends. Surprisingly they all came back with similar answers. (I’m still looking for more insight so please share.)

S - So he drunk texted her and wants to stay out of the friends zone. Honestly, he needs to make some sort of move before he hangs out with her for a month and nothing happens.

V - I think you really can’t avoid the “friends zone”, either way a relationship (be it *just friends* or a serious loving courtship), should be based on friendship first and foremost. You can’t just go out meet a girl and drunk text her,…that’s a big turn off and it lacks maturity. If you would like to try to stay out of the “friends zone” and closer to a monogamous relationship, try to follow these simple rules,…take her out to dinner, buy her flowers, tell her how attractive you think she is, show you are interested in what she has to say, find out what she likes to do and plan a date, be persistent but not pushy. My mother and father have been married over 30 years, friends introduced them. At first my mother was not interested,…she thought, I can only see being friends with this guy. But as he continued to pursue her, she realized all of his good qualities and he was out of the friends zone.

M - Ah … the “friend zone” question.
Personally if a guy calls and is looking to make plans for dinner just for the two of you that usually indicates to me that he’s interested in something beyond friendship. Call me old fashion but wine and dine her. It works even better if it’s a date night… ie Friday or Saturday. Lunches are ok but that usually indicates that you may have another date going on that evening. If you’re serious … go for the dinner or do a lunch and work up to the dinner at some point.

By all means avoid talking about the ex on the first few dates unless asked. To make sure she’s getting the hint, at the end of the night (or call/email the next night) with something along the lines of “I had a great time … are you busy on (date)?” Good dates always end with a follow up and plans for another date … it’ll indicate to her that you’re interested and she’ll know you want to be more than just friends.

Don’t call her buddy or pal … they’ll inevitably lead you to the “friend zone”…. Agree girls?

K - Hummmm…. How to stay out of friend zone seems pretty easy to me. Be a man, call her up, and ask her out on a date. You slide into friend zone when see someone casually or in a group setting, you hang out. If you want her date her, that tells her what your intentions are. You should tell her otherwise she will assume and could conclude incorrectly.

LV - Well here’s the advice I have after having many guy friends I’d never date.

1. Kiss her. You don’t kiss just friends.
2. Don’t just hang out for a long time, make your intentions clear from the start. I’m not saying try to sleep with her on the first date, but it should be clear you would like to. And don’t let her consider it too long or else she’ll write you off.
2. Don’t do things that she should hire someone to do; i.e. move furniture, fix cars, mow the lawn, drive her home when she’s too drunk (and you were not out with her). You are a potential date, not a slave. Basically no favors unless they are sexual.
3. Ask her out on a date, not dinner between friends. Don’t say, let’s go out to dinner, actually use the word date. And pay, going dutch leads to ambiguity.
4. Don’t ask her for advice. You ask friends for advice, potential dates want you to be sure of yourself and have a plan. If you ask her out, you can give a couple options, but don’t just say, “we’ll what do you want to do?, it’s weak.
5. Read The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists by Neil Strauss. Although a lot of the guys seriously use women, I think it does include good points for the average “nice” guy to learn to get past the friend block.

I love my girl friends! Thanks for the help. So, apparently, the consensus is, if you want to stay out of the dreaded ‘friend’s zone’ take action and make your intentions known. Now having said that, no one likes a pushy person. Be persistent but not pushy. Don’t call or text everyday. Give the girl a little space. Make her want you more. Don’t play games or anything. Let her know you’re interested in more by going on dates, or making a point of going the extra yard for her. If you often have a hard time falling into the ‘friend zone’ then you need to make the extra effort to let her know what you are looking for, that you are interested in her. If you leave it all up to the woman, as K said, you risk her coming to the wrong conclusions. I wish I could give a ‘this way or that way’ explanation but women are complicated and unique. What works for one may not work on the other but I can offer these other posts that explain dating further as well as being to pushy. Read this, this, or these other dating rules.

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