**First, I would like to apologize for how random and all over the place this post is but this is what happens when I drink and type.** 

Last week I went against (maybe) my better judgement and started talking to a guy who I met on-line.  I’ve been rather hesitant even mentioning him on here because I know he’ll see it…at some point.  But as I pour the last drop from my bottle of wine for the night, I figured why not, let’s talk about this.  For lack of a better name, since I haven’t met him because he lives quite some distance away, I’ll call him Bear.  **In one of his first emails to me he commented on his height.  He said, “I’m taller than the average bear.”   We’ll go with that.  He unknowingly named himself (as most of the men on this blog do).** 

Why am I bringing him up.  I’m not sure.  A lot has been flooding my mind lately as you all know about where I want to be, where I’m going, and all those questions where at some point everyone has asked themselves.  **Kat, honey, what you commented the other week really hit home. “You are attracted to unattainable men because you know it won’t work…”.**  It’s true.  I am.  I’m so frightened of making the wrong decision I place men in my life who I purposefully cannot choose.  It’s hard for even me to understand why I do this.  I am so scared I’ll choose the wrong guy, end up divorced, or worse yet, in an unhappy marriage.  I can’t do that, but this feeling is getting in the way of me having a real and meaningful relationship. 

I guess that’s where Bear walks in (types in).  He came along at the most opportune time for him…and me. I had just been saying (literally 2 hrs before he started writing me) “I’m ready for a life changing moment. It will take one of 3 things to make me happy at this point; a man, a child, or a new city.”  Was this by chance or did he know?  I don’t know but his timing was impeccable.  He qualifies for 2 of the 3 life changes I might actually consider.  Which leads me to the next paragraph.

I’m a pretty skeptical person.  SD date boy told me all about this fantasy evening.  No sex, just pure perfection in every other sense.  His devotion to my every need after a long, hard day of work.  Coming home with a hot bath prepared and a glass of wine, dinner nearly ready to be served, a foot massage, and then bed.  Again, no sex.  Just sleep and relaxation.  As he told me all of this at one of the bars we were at in San Diego, I started laughing.  Not because I thought it was completely absurd and hilarious.  (Sure, the fantasy would be nice.  Why not?)  I was laughing because I couldn’t believe that could happen, especially to me.  It’s partially true.  It wouldn’t happen.  I wouldn’t date the kind of nice guy who would do that for me.  More than likely, I would see him as a push over and I would abuse that quality in him.  The quality that makes him want to please his woman in any and every way.  I know I would walk all over that kind of person.  I have walked all over some men close to that type of person in the past.  It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t enjoy it but for a first date conversation…push over.  **Besides, my idea of a wonderful and relaxing night of baths and pampering I would want only after working up a good sweat getting all the tension out from the day.  (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)** 

So, yes, I’m skeptical.  I want to believe the fairy tale is out there but I am still a realist.  I know everything isn’t peaches ‘n cream.  It can’t be.  That’s what makes it life.  If everything falls into place, you aren’t actually living. 

**Damn, I’m almost done with my wine.  Might have to crack open another.**

Bear comes along at the most opportune time for a man who not only is intrigued by me and wants to know more but who also lives NO WHERE near me.  As Kat said, “unattainable.”  Yes, it’s true but it’s a great thought.  Right.  I can see it now:

Skeptical & cyncal single for life woman finds happiness in online friend.

Ouch!  But in not so many words, it’s true.  He entertains me.  Now, no worries, I realize this man could be some crazed lunatic from some godforsaken place but, for now, I’ll imagine him they way he’s explained himself to be, someone who near perfectly fits my top 10.   

Where was I going again?  **I’m sorry.  Bottle of wine.  Remember?**  Oh, yes.  Online relationships.  I’ve only had 3 that have become something. 

1. One of my guy friends.  I don’t see him often.  If fact it had been 1 year since I had last seen this guy on St. Patrick’s Day.  He bit me twice.  Bruised me and broke some skin.  Not enough to call 911 but enough to peel off a little.  But in all serious, when he’s not drunk as a fuck, he’s actually a fun guy and his friends are great.  So postitive experience #1 from match.com.

2. Old Man.  Of course a post can’t go by without mentioning the Old Man.  Yes, I realize he’s destructive for me and really not what I need, however, he has taught me a lot about what I am and am not willing to give up in my life for some guy who may or may not make me happy in the end.  It’s a good lesson even if I still struggle with it every day.  Positive experience #2 from match.com.

3. Blue Eyes.  Ugh.  Ok.  At least the pictures were of him.  Recent?  Not quite as recent as they should have been.  Accurate profile.  Unfortunately, yes.  I really should have known better on this one.  But truth be told, I figured I’d be fighting him off me with a stick not wishing he’d try to make a move to get on me.  Lesson?  Hmmm?  Yeah, my guess is he was probably shagging someone else and then she dropped him so he fed me some line to make me go “awe” and get all wet and fuck him and shit.  Whatever!  Not happening, asshole.  Negative experience from MySpace.com.

Those are 3 relationships which have lead somewhere beyond a first date.  We won’t go into the guys who tried to pass off pictures of their better looking relative, or THE best pictures the guy has EVER taken as typical pictures of himself.  UGH!  I have a lot of those stories as well.

**Damn!  Wine’s gone.  It’s 1am.  Hmmm?  New bottle?  Oh, sure.  I’ll apologize right now for the randomness and rambling of this blog post but, oh fuck.  Who the hell cares?  Keep reading.**

And I was going…oh yeah.  On-line dating.  You really never know what you’re going to get.  They guy could be absolutely nothing like he put in his profile.  He might be every word written in the profile but not anywhere near the pictures he posted.  But then again, any guy you may meet in the bar might seem like the nicest, cutest, best guy in the world…that night.  Oh, I’ve been with a couple of coyote uglies but luckily never slept with any of them.  Fortunately, all but (we’ll say) one guy I do not regret being with.  **Oh, lord, don’t ask numbers.  I stopped counting about 5 yrs ago because they frightened me.** 

Back to Bear. Ok. So yes, I’ve seen pictures (Sort of. Uh-hum!) and yes, I’ve chatted with him throughout the day about this or that. Still, you never know what you might get. In the comfort zone of talking to Kat, I find myself a little chatty about him. She even asked what I was feeling concerning him. The only answer I have been willing to share, “He entertains me.” If nothing else, I’ve been chatting less with the Old Man, who gave me big news today about him maybe moving closer to me (only about 20-30 mins closer, but mostly closer to the bigger city by him) and Bear’s been widening my eyes. I was beginning to give up on internet dating and although he found me in an unconventional way, it still counts as on-line but only chatting is not considered dating in my book.

**With 45 mins of bad internet connection and a new bottle of wine, I’m feeling tipsy.**

Tonight, I logged onto Match.com for the first time in about 9 months. I opened my outlook on my home computer and linked into it was an old email account I had almost completely forgotten about. Just under 300 new messages in 2 months from Match.com. I took a look at a couple of the emails then deleted them all.  I logged onto Match.com thinking I should remove my profiles **Yes, I have 2** but it was fun.  So I left my profiles up.  I don’t pay for subscriptions so I’m not losing anything by them being there.  It still leaves me wondering.  On-line dating. What can I gain? Good question. Who the hell knows? I know I have yet to meet the right man and honestly, I’m beginning to doubt this man, the right one, exists in my city or even state.  So, where do I see any of this heading? I’ll be optimistic and say, to good friendships. I know its lame but as I stated in the above paragraphs, you just don’t know what you’re going to get and I’m skeptical. I don’t want to set myself up for failure. So…Cheers to my new on-line friend.