Coward, Apparently Not So Great!

I honestly had high hopes for this guy, Dr. Chicago.  I left him a voice mail on Friday just asking him to call me.  Nothing big or anything.  Um, yeah.  He hasn’t called which of course has sent my mind spinning into the ”what could have happened, what did I do, what could I have done wrong” bullshit that no one needs to go through. The worst part, I know he’s been online most of the weekend including today so it’s not as though he’s not in touch with the rest of the god damn world.  Why just me?  Why don’t I deserve a simple call back?

I really thought this guy could be “it”.  His username online includes the numbers of my parent’s wedding anniversary.  His mom had the same “hobby”/side job as I do.  His step-mom’s family used to raise the only breed of dog I’ve ever had.  It gets weirder.  Stay with me.  His office is on the street with the same name as the city I live in and my office on the same street name as the city he lives in.  I know it’s silly to think coincidences like this could mean something real but we all know I’m a romantic at heart.  I read my horoscope even though I don’t live by it.  I believe there is meaning in my dreams and I believe in signs.  So how could all of this not meant anything?

I went from wanting to apologize on Friday to being so depressed on Sunday and now, now I can’t even stand looking at his picture.  I feel a pit in my stomach of rage.  Not like I would go off on him but I deserve more then what he’s giving me.  I think at the very least I deserve an email saying, “It’s not working.  Sorry.  Good luck.”  We’ve slept in the same bed 3 times.  We’ve been naked in each other’s arms.  I drove to see him twice.  Don’t I deserve an explanation, closure, something?

 

I Can Give Up Now

Not that I was sitting on needles waiting but I did tell you all I would let you know when and IF the new guy contacted me again.  Well, here it is.

Hi [tS],
I wanted to let you know that I won’t be able to see you anymore. I’ve been seeing someone else also and I’d like to pursue an exclusive relationship with her. Believe me this was a very hard decision as your a great girl with a lot going for you. I just had a little more in common with this other girl. I’m sure you’ll find a great guy out there. I hope your not upset about this. I may see you at football as I might be playing next season so I hope we can still be cool with each other.

Thanks,
[new guy]

[new guy],
No worries. I agree you are a great guy and I wish you the best just be ready for me to kick your butt on the football field. ;) J/K. But seriously, good luck in finding what you are looking for. I’m sure I’ll see you around since this city isn’t that big till then take care.

[tS]

“I hope you’re not upset”? Seriously? I’ve only heard from him once in 2 weeks. I had basically written him off over a week ago. Besides, I only dwell on men for a few days before I move on. Hell, look at my dating life recently. Yeah, I’m sitting around pining for him. NOPE!  It’s fine anyway.  I mean after-all, he’s the reason I had to see the Old Man last week.  The sex was so terrible I wanted to be reminded what good sex was like.  Honestly, I didn’t want to write it.  I was hoping it would get better but I laid there in bed thinking, “Can I live like this?  Could I be satisfied by this for the rest of my life?”  The answer was no which, as I said, led me back to the Old Man.  He may be 14 yrs older then me but I have NEVER had bad sex with him even when he was sick last week. 

Well, I have a date tonight.  Hopefully this one goes better.

 

Finally Over

I want to start this post by saying I am grateful for what I am about to write because it all just worked itself out and I didn’t have to actually DO anything. **Which obviously I wasn’t going to ever do anyway.** I haven’t heard from Blue Eyes for 2 whole weeks. That’s right. He hasn’t text me or called in 2 weeks. This is fabulous. Sure I brought it on but only by my lack of response lately. He was really starting to become an ass.

 

The Saga (Part 5 - Conflicted)

Start from the top:  
The Saga (Part 1)
The Saga (Part 2 - Monday at work)
The Saga (Part 3 - …and away we go)
The Saga (Part 4 - The ‘REAL’ talk)

With a hangover from the night before, I stumbled into work on Wednesday.  Of course I couldn’t leave the dilemma I was still conflicted with alone.  I emailed the Old Man.

tS:My head hurts. Not only has it been spinning over the thought of you but last night I added god only knows how many beers to the problem.

Last night was tougher on me than I thought it would be and I started to question everything in my life. One thing I noticed is that we never discuss our feelings. We answer with very calculated, well thought out answers. We are both skeptical that the right one is out there for us. Maybe they are out there or maybe we are setting ourselves up for failure by thinking they are. What I’m trying to say is that nearly everyone compromises in some way to choose to be with someone else. I’m sure we both have those friends who marry someone and when you meet that person you think, “this is who they married? They are nothing like I pictured, nothing like they’ve dated in the past.” I am constantly thrown by the people I see my friends with but are they settling? Maybe they’ve realized the things they think they wanted just aren’t as important as being with someone who loves them and makes them feel good about themselves no matter what the rest of the package contains.

I feel as though I haven’t been really living MY life. A lot of the time I feel I am living the life that others think I should have. I told people from the time I was 5, I was going to be an architect. My junior year of HS came and it was time to chose a college. My dad sat me down one day and said, “I don’t know if architecture is a good way to go.” He had talked to one of his patients who was an architect/engineer and apparently they wished they had gone into engineering first before architecture. Maybe they would have realized they could make a better living in engineering and not even gone into architecture. I asked, “Engineering? What kind of engineering?” And so I applied to a bunch of engineering schools because my dad said I should. He knew I wasn’t happy there so during my 3rd yr he promised me if I finished the degree (because my family aren’t quitters. We finish what we start) he would help me with architecture school as well.

Another eye opener happened the other day when I asked my mom why we live here and I told her my only reason for being in WI was because they were here. She told me that wasn’t a good reason. Again, I’m doing what I should be doing and not necessarily what I want to be doing.

A long time ago, I may have been 10, my dad and I got talking about kids. I told him I wanted 2. He told me 2 wasn’t enough. 3 would be better. It would form a democracy between the kids. If one was doing something silly the other two would be there to stop them, etc. And so it was written. I was to have 3 kids because my dad said so and he had thought it out. Is it what I want? I don’t know.

I feel as though my world is caving in around me. All I’ve been trying to do my whole life is make others proud. I put others before myself and my own needs so much that I don’t know what I need or what I really want. I feel as though I owe it to myself to figure that out. I owe it to myself to give you and I a chance. If children are the one thing that stands in our way, is that really a good reason to not be with the person who could potentially make me happy in every other way? Everyone compromises something. I don’t know if I can compromise children but I’m not sure I want to compromise you because I think I maybe someday might possibly want one.

I know I’m rambling.
Thoughts?

 

The Saga (Part 4 - The ‘REAL’ talk)

Missed the beginning? That’s ok. You can go there now and read it.
The Saga (Part 1)
The Saga (Part 2 - Monday at work)
The Saga (Part 3 - …and away we go)

I made it to work on Tuesday.  I got situated at my desk when the emails started from the Old Man.  They started simple.  Thanks for coming, good to see you…yadda, yadda, yadda.  Then the big one.

OM: OK…So to continue our discussion…maybe share some of your thoughts as a starting point for dialog (?).

1.  How does the distance thing work?  What are you looking for in a committed relationship as far as time commitment per week?  You mentioned you are pretty independent and enjoy your time to do what you want, see friends, etc.  What does that mean exactly?

2.  How serious are you about having a baby?  What kind of timing are you thinking?  This is the one thing I don’t know if I could accommodate…just been there done that.  Children are super great, but after being limited as to what/where I can live etc for the last 12 years I’m not sure I can embrace that again.  I can be flexible on a lot of things but not sure if this is one of them.  I thought about that since we talked last night…just being honest.

3.  How serious are you about marriage?  What kind of timing are you thinking?

4.  You talked about the short-term fix of having some immediate project work near my city, but where do you ultimately want to live?

4.  You were apparently still getting text messages and phone calls from “the boy” last night so I expect you two have been seeing a lot of each other.  You mentioned it’s not xxx but hmmmmm….i wonder.

5.  I was looking at your myspace page and noticed in all of your writings, etc include friends, family, etc. but no mention of me even as a friend.  Now be honest here…are you a little embarrassed about my age?  ;) 6.  And then of course there was your date in California…naughty!  How would we change the dynamic we’ve created as a working basis of our friendship (previous FWB)…distance might preclude feeling comfortable that either/both would be adhering to the new dynamic (committed LTR). 

Just some thoughts…curious what you think.  I have been thinking a lot more lately about where my life is going and really want to start making some choices about that.  I’ve been divorced now for 4 years…too old to be a playboy forever.