Look On The Bright Side

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

It’s a good thing I didn’t open myself up to getting more hurt by Dr. Chicago. If I would have had sex with him and he didn’t call imagine the wreck I would be in now. There is a reason why I couldn’t go to that level with him. Maybe all the coincidences I stated earlier about my parent’s anniversary date being in his user name to the city/street thing etc was all a test. Maybe I was supposed to meet him to see if I have matured to the point of having a real relationship with someone? Maybe he was a test to see if I could at least attempt to build a non-sexual relationship with a man? Maybe…

Over the weekend I’ve had a lot of time to replay each of our dates in my head. From the first date he tried to sleep with me. Each time we were in bed I literally had to say, “You SERIOUSLY need to stop” before he would. I understood the being in the same bed and trying but I have never had to be so forceful in saying no to anyone. I found it strange that he didn’t try much if any foreplay just went right in there for it. There’s a good chance I would have gone the oral route but not like that. Not when he doesn’t even try other options.

Our first date I was a bit uncomfortable when he laid on top of me on my couch. He wasn’t concerned with my comfort level at all. He just wanted sex. It was as if I blinked and suddenly he was naked and I was still in my pj’s. I also have a problem with guys who are willing to have sex with me while I’m still in any clothes. Well, sometimes. For our first time, why would I want to not be naked and feel our bodies together? After that, sure, wear a skirt, wear panties…whatever, but not the first time. Of course I also have a problem when guys try to have sex with me and only my shirt is on. It’s like, what? My boobs aren’t good enough to even look at let alone feel? Yes, I might have some issues here but that’s just me.

Our second date, as he was trying to weasel his way between my clenched legs he actually said, “Just relax.” That TOTALLY weirded me out. Any guy who knew I was uncomfortable in the situation and could actually calmly say “relax” and not feel like a dirty bastard…? EWE! He was not concerned about my physical or emotional comfort level. He was more then happy to “go for it” without a condom and he doesn’t even know me or what I’ve done or…anything. Ewe! Like not even a question of should we think about…? Or even talk to me about it. He could have at least asked, “What if I got some protection?” Sure I could have said something to him but I wasn’t the one trying to have sex with him.

Our third date, again, no protection as he’s right there just barely inside me, I looked at him. His eyes were closed and he was facing the wall behind me. I could tell all of his concentration was on trying to get inside and not on making me comfortable. It was as though he wasn’t there with me. I know he could feel me trying to push him away and get him off of me without allowing him any more access to me yet he was still looking at the wall, eyes closed. I know that’s part of the reason why I couldn’t relax. First of all, I was helpless below him. He’s a strong guy and I couldn’t budge him. He wasn’t connected to me. He wasn’t kissing me and trying to put me at ease he was just trying to get inside.

The more I think about all this, the more I thank god I didn’t have sex with him. Even though I was willing to overlook some of that only a few days ago for a chance to see where it could all lead, I deserve more than that. If he’s ok with making me feel that way, ok with telling me to “relax”, ok without a connection to me, then how many other women is he “ok” with? And how many other women don’t say “Stop”?

I’m better off. I know it however knowing I’m better off doesn’t keep me warm at night, or give me kisses on my forehead, or hold my hand.

 

Coward, Apparently Not So Great!

I honestly had high hopes for this guy, Dr. Chicago.  I left him a voice mail on Friday just asking him to call me.  Nothing big or anything.  Um, yeah.  He hasn’t called which of course has sent my mind spinning into the ”what could have happened, what did I do, what could I have done wrong” bullshit that no one needs to go through. The worst part, I know he’s been online most of the weekend including today so it’s not as though he’s not in touch with the rest of the god damn world.  Why just me?  Why don’t I deserve a simple call back?

I really thought this guy could be “it”.  His username online includes the numbers of my parent’s wedding anniversary.  His mom had the same “hobby”/side job as I do.  His step-mom’s family used to raise the only breed of dog I’ve ever had.  It gets weirder.  Stay with me.  His office is on the street with the same name as the city I live in and my office on the same street name as the city he lives in.  I know it’s silly to think coincidences like this could mean something real but we all know I’m a romantic at heart.  I read my horoscope even though I don’t live by it.  I believe there is meaning in my dreams and I believe in signs.  So how could all of this not meant anything?

I went from wanting to apologize on Friday to being so depressed on Sunday and now, now I can’t even stand looking at his picture.  I feel a pit in my stomach of rage.  Not like I would go off on him but I deserve more then what he’s giving me.  I think at the very least I deserve an email saying, “It’s not working.  Sorry.  Good luck.”  We’ve slept in the same bed 3 times.  We’ve been naked in each other’s arms.  I drove to see him twice.  Don’t I deserve an explanation, closure, something?

 

How Can I Explain?

Alright, tonight I’m going to call Dr. Chicago and try to explain to him what happened the other night. I need to say it in a way that doesn’t really scare him though but to make him understand what I need it’s going to seem like I want him to make a decision about us. Sure that would be nice but we’ve only been on 3 actual dates and we’re still getting to know each other. I wouldn’t expect him to make a commitment to me yet.

I need to work this out before I call him. So here goes.

I want to apologize for the other night. I’m sorry I reacted the way I did and I want you to know that it wasn’t anything you did. It’s not that I don’t like you or that I don’t want to have sex with you I just can’t let myself yet. What it comes down to is that you could be dating and sleeping with other women and you have every right to do that but I can’t go to that level with you when that’s the case. So please don’t think that you scared me or that you did anything wrong. I’m just asking you to be patient.

There. How does that sound? Does it sound like I’m asking him to chose because I really am not. I just want to keep dating him and see where it could go. So, what do you think?

 

He’s Great, So What’s My Problem?

I’ve been MIA for quite some time but I had a good reason for it.

Just before I left for my vacation to New York I started talking to a guy who I met on Match.com, Dr. Chicago. We finally met the week before Thanksgiving. He drove here to meet me and we went out to dinner. The place I chose was one of the newer steak restaurants in the city. I knew it was expensive but I didn’t know quite how expensive so before we even ordered I let him know I was paying for my own dinner. He said no, of course, but I insisted. I just wasn’t comfortable having some guy I didn’t really know pay that much for my dinner after he drove all the way here to meet me. He did thank me. The dinner and conversation went great so we continued back to my place after eating. My roommate was up watching Nip/Tuck, one of our favorite shows, when we walked in. Without hesitation he started talking to her and all was great. My roommate was very impressed saying, “He’s nice…and good looking.” Yes, he is both those things I was impressed myself. Heck, I still am impressed when I see him. The night quickly flew by so I told him to stay rather then drive back home. It was too long of a drive to make at that time of night. I told him he could sleep on my couch. Then I said that wouldn’t make me a very nice host so he could have my bed and I’ll sleep on the couch. We both ended up sleeping in the bed.