The Word Is Out

Well, the job hunt/prospect of movie is in motion.  I spent most of the weekend updating my resume.  It’s been quite some time since I’ve looked at my resume.  I was impressed with the things I have accomplished in only 3 yrs at my current job.  I also realized the promotion I received earlier this year on my 3rd anniversary with the company is a promotion for those with a minimum of 4 yrs experience.  I not only was given the promotion with 3 yrs experience but was also given a leadership opportunity.  Hey, I must be doing something right. 

 

Is This What We’ve Come To?

Yesterday I hung out with my parents in the afternoon. My mom and I sat out by the lake and watched the boaters. My dad came home a bit later and I looked at their house plans with him. **My parents are having plans drawn up for an addition.** The architect they are using has no design sense. I pointed out several issues with the plans. After some explanation as to why we should change the plans **telling him the plans where shit and they reflected a knee jerk reaction to fix immediate problems rather then thinking to the future of what might need to be done next…** my dad conceited. Well, at least to most of it. I still have get him to see my view on their new bedroom. Yes, I really did yell at my dad and tell him the design was shit. Then we did a walk around the house and he ended up seeing my vision. Apparently I’m not very good at communicating with my dad. He’s just like me though, very bullheaded. It’s hard to change his mind.

After the small commotion between my dad and I, we decided to get some dinner. My parents and I went to a little restaurant only a few blocks from their house. With it being so close my parents frequent it often. The owner came over to chat. A friend had bought us a round but none of us were drinking so the owner brought my parents tokens for the next time they have dinner. My parents were joking about how I was only 19. I laughed and said, “Yeah, about 10 years ago. I’ll be turning 30 in just a few more months.”

The owner asked, “Happily married?”

I lifted my left hand up, looked at it, and replied, “Nope!”

At that my mom chimed in, “Not even happily divorced either.”

 

Burned Out

I don’t know exactly what it is but for the past several months I’ve been in a slump. I’m just not happy with where I am, physically and emotionally. As I’ve said before something in my life needs to change. I’ve been feeling burned out on my family as well as my friends. **Don’t get me wrong, I love them all dearly. I just don’t know what’s going on with me.** My family has been stressing me out. I’ve been playing mediator between 2 of my sisters and my mom. My sisters are just totally different people and right now both are in very stressful places in their lives and they’ve been at each other’s throats because of it. My mom, well, she fuels the fire between them. I’m tired of making excuses as to why the other might have said that terribly insensitive thing to the other or why my mom is twisting stories just to make the other sister more irritated. It’s exhausting and it’s exhausting my friendships with my girl friends.

The other week my mom tried to guilt trip me in an unusual way. I wasn’t able to get to her house early to help with a party then during the party my 2 local sisters got into a big fight in front of everyone. My mom called me stressed out because no one can help her, she’s a punching bag for my sisters yet they keep calling her to tell her their problems. She said, they have their own families it’s time they started living like that and stop running to her for everything. Then she added, “I think I’ll just move to Florida.” **Oh God. No! Really, not Florida.** I told her it sounded like a grand idea. Hell, I was considering moving out of state as well, still am considering it. She wasn’t going to be the martyr like she wanted. I wasn’t going to console her for making quick statements with no backing to me. Nope. “Maybe you should.” This is what I deal with on a daily basis. If not from one sister, from my mom. When did I become the person to call to vent to?

This stress that my family is bringing to me is only making me testy with my girl friends. **I try to hide this but I’m not sure it’s working.** It’s not my friend’s fault I feel this way but unfortunately they are the one’s who I turn to when I need to vent and they also get the sharp edge of my attitude. I’ve found myself placing judgment on everyone and everything around me. The stress of my family is turning me into a negative person. I’m beginning to feel as though I don’t belong here because I just want to alienate myself until all this other shit blows over and I can just be.

To top it off, Yesterday I received an email from an exchange student who stayed with my family while I was in High School. My family and I went to Europe a few years ago for her wedding and now she had the great news of their pregnancy. She’s only 1 year older then me so she was very curious to see what I’ve been up to. She asked me about work, home, and **of course** boys. UGH! Here’s what I told her.

 

I Can’t Imagine

Last night I awoke to my phone ringing. My mom called with very disturbing news. My parents had been out to a late dinner with one of my sister’s, her husband, and their 2 kids. My sister and her family left dinner just before my parents. They pulled into their driveway and got out of their car to get the kids out of their car seats. They no sooner opened the car doors when they heard someone yelling, “Call 911!”, from the front of their house. They quickly closed the car doors leaving the kids as they were in their seats and ran to the front. A man had fallen off his motorcycle without a helmet on. His friend was standing over him. My sister, 34 weeks pregnant, quickly dropped to the ground to assess the situation. Her husband grabbed a respirator and gloves from my sister’s car. **She keeps them there just in case and yes, she’s used them (not the same ones) before when she’s stumbled upon other accidents.** The police arrived and a second later my parents followed. The cop stood there frozen. My brother-in-law was stopping traffic and my sister was shouting for my dad to help her. My sister started chest compressions as my dad was trying to breath for the guy. The cyclist was bleeding from his nose, ears, etc and my sister was in blood up to her elbows. Finally EMT’s arrived but the man died before they got him to the hospital. The guy’s friend was taken to jail for his BAL being twice the legal limit.

Luckily my sister is trained in CPR for her job as a Physical Education teacher and she doesn’t freeze in tense situations. She just knows what to do and does it. She’s helped many people but unfortunately wasn’t able to help this man. Unfortunately, this is the second man who has died in my sister’s arms. The previous being a retired man who had a heart attack after swimming. She tried everything she could for that man as well, even used the defibrillators but with no luck.

This morning around 4am my sister woke in a cold sweat shaking. She couldn’t fall back to sleep. Even her husband was so disturbed he couldn’t sleep last night either. He felt helpless. He said, “I didn’t know what to do. The only thing I could do was stop traffic.” Even though his actions seemed small to him, he made the accident scene safe for my sister and my dad. Neither my sister or brother-in-law are feeling well today though both did go to work. My mom hasn’t told me how she is handling it all. She’s only been giving me updates on my sister due to her pregnancy. My dad, being in medicine, is taking it better but still, it’s traumatic for all involved. I can’t even begin to imagine what everyone is going through, including the guy’s family and friends. Especially the friend who was right there witnessing his friend die before him.

 

I Don’t Want It!

Saturday I went to my cousin’s bridal shower. Over the years between my sisters, friends, and family getting married and having kids I got burned out on showers. I don’t know if it’s all the estrogen in one room that I’m not used to, if it’s putting on a happy face for someone else’s happiness, or something else that has turned me into a grouch. Whatever it is I find showers exhausting and pointless. I mean I understand why the person getting married or having a baby wants them. When else will you be showered with gifts several times in a year? On Saturday I found myself just wanting to escape. I followed my sister upstairs every chance I got so her and I could just talk. I’ve never been a person who likes large fairly organized parties. All the chatter and noise makes me antsy after a while. Funny how that doesn’t happen when I’m just with my friends or at a bar or restaurant. Maybe it’s just being in a room with my whole family. Who knows.

After the gifts had been opened people began to filter out. I was now sitting by myself near the unwrapped presents. My mom came in to see what she had received. “Wow! She sure got a lot.”

I looked at my mom. She could see I was emotionally and physically drained. “Mom, I don’t think I want this.”