No Worries…NO! Worries!?!?!

It’s amazing how often I tend to hear what I want to hear instead of hearing what is said. Well, it happened again. I was sure that Hometown Boy was just blowing hot air when he told me he was dating around. Nope. Not so much. I still haven’t asked him many (if any) questions about this “other woman” but they are probably going to start pretty soon. **Why is it that I’m always dealing with other women?** There are some still vague questions which I need answered such as “Did you know this other woman before moving back to the area?” She lives some where in the vicinity. If he made a conscience effort of moving back here to see “what if” with her then I think I’ll need to back out of the whole situation. I know he’s been seeing her longer then he’s been seeing me but that’s where the information was left…because I didn’t ask. I don’t want to pry but I also no longer know if I should believe what he’s telling me and I can’t get caught up in another situation similar to the one I was in with the Old Man. I know I’m not strong enough for that. Emotionally I can’t deal with being “the other woman” and since the relationship with this other person has been going on longer then his and mine, that’s exactly how I feel, like the other woman.

I do really like the man and he seems genuinely interested in me. I can’t imagine he’s allowing this other person to share his bed with him because he does live with his sister and that would just be awkward for her to see one woman one night and another the next. However, that doesn’t mean he’s not spending nights at her place. Ugh! The whole thing is irritating. When I told my roommate that the other woman does in fact exist she was speechless, literally, speechless. She’s seen the two of us together on more then one occasion and said, “I can’t believe he’s seeing someone else. He’s completely into you. I’ve seen the way he is with you.” That’s just it. I know the way he is with me. If he’s that way with someone else…well, that just makes me sick to my stomach. If he doesn’t have the connection with her like he does with me, then why is he still seeing her? I just don’t get it. Not that he doesn’t have a right to see other people but “other people” is different then “someone else”. Is he telling this other woman “you make it easy to like you” as well, how comfortable she makes him, or all those other little words he says to me that I hang onto? It’s not that I’m upset with him. As I said, he has every right to date. I didn’t hear what he was saying and now I’m just plain irritated that he told me he “never wants to hurt” me. Is he planning to? WTF?

I need to focus on myself, so this week I’m practicing restraint. I will respond to an email but I’m not going to go out of my way to respond immediately or have an email conversation with him every day like we have been. I will not ask him, “When can I see you again.” He can even ask me if we’re running this weekend. I’ve initiated the past few weeks and even made him buy new shoes. It’s his turn to show me he wants to run with me. **And I mean that literally. That wasn’t an analogy for show me he wants to spend time with me or likes me or anything. I’m talking only about running. I don’t want to be a nag dragging him along on my training runs if he doesn’t want to be there.** I’m not going to disappear from his life in any way but I am going to hold back. I feel I’ve already invested too much into him. Due to his uncertainty, I need to be more guarded. I need to take care of me.

 

I Know, BUT…

I know Hometown Boy likes me.  It’s very clear.  From him remembering some of the most minute details of our childhood and things that we did together.  Hell, most of what he remembers I long since forgot.  One story that keeps coming up is when he bet me his lite up yo-yo.  I still haven’t figured out what we bet but boy do I remember that yo-yo.  It was 2nd grade.

Last week was definitely out of the ordinary.  I went to HtB’s house on Thursday night.  He had gotten back from California on Wednesday.  The night went great especially since we hadn’t seen each other in weeks but we talked about a lot over email while he was away.  We hung out on the couch watching TV and playing Guitar Hero.  **BTW, I SUCK at Guitar Hero even though it was only my first time.**  We talked a lot.  Not about much.  Just catching up.  Finally we made our way to bed.  Normally this would be where I tell you all about the sex we had and all that jazz but this time it was different.  We laid in bed for 3 hours kissing and talking.  Nothing else.  It was absolutely wonderful.

The weekend quickly came.  Friday night I had a “girl’s only party” at my house which I’ll have to post about later.  Saturday, I invited Hometown Boy to my aunt and uncle’s anniversary party.  I was surprised he went.  I gave him several options for how the night could go yet he wanted to go to the family party.  He held is own very well of course he already knew my immediate family from our childhood. 

After the anniversary party we drove downtown to meet up with a bunch of my friends.  I felt a little bad for him since it was a whole night of him not knowing a soul except me.  That didn’t stop him though.  He did his best to meet and get to know everyone there.  From the response of my girl friends, I think he did alright.  I know I was impressed with him.

Sunday HtB and I went for a run.  We cooled down by taking a shower…together.  **Now keep in mind that we still have not had sex.  Shower.  No sex.**  After our shower we laid around in bed all afternoon just talking.  No music.  No TV.  Just him and I for hours laying there in each others arms mostly naked.  It wasn’t until 8 pm when we finally parted ways - over 24 hours of together time.

Throughout the week we emailed a lot again.  It was decided I would go to his house again on Thursday, last night.  We watched Juno and had a few small “talks” about children and our own families growing up.  There are so many similarities it’s almost scary.  It was so nice to cuddle on the couch.  I’ve really grown used to his kisses and I really enjoy them.  Then bedtime hit and we went to bed.  One thing led to another and, well,… you know.  He was a tad insecure but not in a pathetic way at all.  He just didn’t want to disappoint.  I later found out why.  Let’s just say his numbers are low.  My numbers haven’t been that low since I became sexually active.  After finding that out I really felt honored that he felt comfortable enough with me to add me to the very, very, very few.  Things seemed to be looking up.  The boy’s obviously into me and then more.  Sigh! 

As we laid in bed we started getting into where “we” are.  That’s when the fantasy started to fade.  I stayed quiet and let him talk.  I didn’t ask him to but he felt he needed to.  He said I was “a really good friend” plus some other stuff about not wanting a relationship right now.  He added that he met me at a great time (after he was crushed by someone else).  He assured me that he doesn’t want to hurt me in any way and that he likes spending time with me, wasn’t expecting any of this.  Then followed up with, “we were supposed to just go skiing.”  He again made it clear that he plans to date other people.  I told him I’m not.  I’m burned out of the dating scene right now and just not interested in it.  He assured me he would be ok with me dating so don’t feel like I can’t.  I didn’t know what to say.  It was quiet as we laid there naked in each others arms.  Then I asked if he would be ok with me laying naked in bed with some other guy.  He wasn’t at all phased by it.  Like seriously not AT ALL.  WTF?  He asked if I would be if he was.  I said no.  I’d be jealous.  **I don’t want to think about him with other women.  C’mon.** 

“I thought you weren’t a jealous person” he said. 

“I’m typically not but yes, that would bother me.” 

We left things alone for a while but then he brought up the complications with him moving back to CA and how he doesn’t want to plan his future.  He just wants to feel it out and know what he’s feeling is real.  I told him I want him to stay in the area long enough for us to know if big changes to our lives are worth it.  I know he’s moving back to California.  There isn’t a question but the only unknown right now is when exactly is he leaving.  He felt the same.

I don’t understand him.  **I know, I’m not supposed to understand everything but…**  One second he’s saying I’m a “good friend” (I gave him a lot of shit about saying that) then the next he’s leading on that he’s really into me.  I don’t get it.  I got an email from him earlier this evening saying he was busy tonight and that tomorrow he’s heading out for a “boy’s night” with another guy from H.S.  At least I’ll see him on Sunday when we go for our run.  I’m beginning to think I need to hold back more.  I don’t want to be too accessible but I don’t want him to have too much time alone finding other people.  However I can’t stop thinking about him telling me ”he’s busy tonight”.  What’s he’s busy with or who is he busy with?  I’m not supposed to be the insecure one.  Why am I?  I know he likes me more then he’ll tell me with direct words.  It’s so apparent in the way he talks and the way he acts.  I know I shouldn’t be thinking this way but I just can’t help it.  UGH! 

 

Look On The Bright Side

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

It’s a good thing I didn’t open myself up to getting more hurt by Dr. Chicago. If I would have had sex with him and he didn’t call imagine the wreck I would be in now. There is a reason why I couldn’t go to that level with him. Maybe all the coincidences I stated earlier about my parent’s anniversary date being in his user name to the city/street thing etc was all a test. Maybe I was supposed to meet him to see if I have matured to the point of having a real relationship with someone? Maybe he was a test to see if I could at least attempt to build a non-sexual relationship with a man? Maybe…

Over the weekend I’ve had a lot of time to replay each of our dates in my head. From the first date he tried to sleep with me. Each time we were in bed I literally had to say, “You SERIOUSLY need to stop” before he would. I understood the being in the same bed and trying but I have never had to be so forceful in saying no to anyone. I found it strange that he didn’t try much if any foreplay just went right in there for it. There’s a good chance I would have gone the oral route but not like that. Not when he doesn’t even try other options.

Our first date I was a bit uncomfortable when he laid on top of me on my couch. He wasn’t concerned with my comfort level at all. He just wanted sex. It was as if I blinked and suddenly he was naked and I was still in my pj’s. I also have a problem with guys who are willing to have sex with me while I’m still in any clothes. Well, sometimes. For our first time, why would I want to not be naked and feel our bodies together? After that, sure, wear a skirt, wear panties…whatever, but not the first time. Of course I also have a problem when guys try to have sex with me and only my shirt is on. It’s like, what? My boobs aren’t good enough to even look at let alone feel? Yes, I might have some issues here but that’s just me.

Our second date, as he was trying to weasel his way between my clenched legs he actually said, “Just relax.” That TOTALLY weirded me out. Any guy who knew I was uncomfortable in the situation and could actually calmly say “relax” and not feel like a dirty bastard…? EWE! He was not concerned about my physical or emotional comfort level. He was more then happy to “go for it” without a condom and he doesn’t even know me or what I’ve done or…anything. Ewe! Like not even a question of should we think about…? Or even talk to me about it. He could have at least asked, “What if I got some protection?” Sure I could have said something to him but I wasn’t the one trying to have sex with him.

Our third date, again, no protection as he’s right there just barely inside me, I looked at him. His eyes were closed and he was facing the wall behind me. I could tell all of his concentration was on trying to get inside and not on making me comfortable. It was as though he wasn’t there with me. I know he could feel me trying to push him away and get him off of me without allowing him any more access to me yet he was still looking at the wall, eyes closed. I know that’s part of the reason why I couldn’t relax. First of all, I was helpless below him. He’s a strong guy and I couldn’t budge him. He wasn’t connected to me. He wasn’t kissing me and trying to put me at ease he was just trying to get inside.

The more I think about all this, the more I thank god I didn’t have sex with him. Even though I was willing to overlook some of that only a few days ago for a chance to see where it could all lead, I deserve more than that. If he’s ok with making me feel that way, ok with telling me to “relax”, ok without a connection to me, then how many other women is he “ok” with? And how many other women don’t say “Stop”?

I’m better off. I know it however knowing I’m better off doesn’t keep me warm at night, or give me kisses on my forehead, or hold my hand.

 

Coward, Apparently Not So Great!

I honestly had high hopes for this guy, Dr. Chicago.  I left him a voice mail on Friday just asking him to call me.  Nothing big or anything.  Um, yeah.  He hasn’t called which of course has sent my mind spinning into the ”what could have happened, what did I do, what could I have done wrong” bullshit that no one needs to go through. The worst part, I know he’s been online most of the weekend including today so it’s not as though he’s not in touch with the rest of the god damn world.  Why just me?  Why don’t I deserve a simple call back?

I really thought this guy could be “it”.  His username online includes the numbers of my parent’s wedding anniversary.  His mom had the same “hobby”/side job as I do.  His step-mom’s family used to raise the only breed of dog I’ve ever had.  It gets weirder.  Stay with me.  His office is on the street with the same name as the city I live in and my office on the same street name as the city he lives in.  I know it’s silly to think coincidences like this could mean something real but we all know I’m a romantic at heart.  I read my horoscope even though I don’t live by it.  I believe there is meaning in my dreams and I believe in signs.  So how could all of this not meant anything?

I went from wanting to apologize on Friday to being so depressed on Sunday and now, now I can’t even stand looking at his picture.  I feel a pit in my stomach of rage.  Not like I would go off on him but I deserve more then what he’s giving me.  I think at the very least I deserve an email saying, “It’s not working.  Sorry.  Good luck.”  We’ve slept in the same bed 3 times.  We’ve been naked in each other’s arms.  I drove to see him twice.  Don’t I deserve an explanation, closure, something?

 

He’s Great, So What’s My Problem?

I’ve been MIA for quite some time but I had a good reason for it.

Just before I left for my vacation to New York I started talking to a guy who I met on Match.com, Dr. Chicago. We finally met the week before Thanksgiving. He drove here to meet me and we went out to dinner. The place I chose was one of the newer steak restaurants in the city. I knew it was expensive but I didn’t know quite how expensive so before we even ordered I let him know I was paying for my own dinner. He said no, of course, but I insisted. I just wasn’t comfortable having some guy I didn’t really know pay that much for my dinner after he drove all the way here to meet me. He did thank me. The dinner and conversation went great so we continued back to my place after eating. My roommate was up watching Nip/Tuck, one of our favorite shows, when we walked in. Without hesitation he started talking to her and all was great. My roommate was very impressed saying, “He’s nice…and good looking.” Yes, he is both those things I was impressed myself. Heck, I still am impressed when I see him. The night quickly flew by so I told him to stay rather then drive back home. It was too long of a drive to make at that time of night. I told him he could sleep on my couch. Then I said that wouldn’t make me a very nice host so he could have my bed and I’ll sleep on the couch. We both ended up sleeping in the bed.