First, A Bird Shit On Me This Morning

That’s right.  As I was walking to work this morning a bird shit right on me.  Luckily, it landed on my jacket and not my hair or anything else.  I knew I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed this morning.  Now my day has turned even worse. 

Kat, fine.  I lied.  I can pretend to be ok with everything going on in my life but it’s just a front but you already knew that.  Even though we haven’t known each other for very long your intuition is right on.  I’m not fine with my ‘relationship’ with the Old Man.  I want him in my life.  I love being with him but I know these feelings are foolish so I try to suppress them.  Well, tonight he’s meeting his ex for dinner.  How much do you want to bet that once again, they will get back together?  Ugh!  Then to top it off, I tried to distract myself by checking up on some other friend’s blogs.  DD, I love you, hun, and I am so happy for you but right now, your new pregnancy is yet another reminder of what I don’t have.  I’m sad.

 

The Saga (Part 5 - Conflicted)

Start from the top:  
The Saga (Part 1)
The Saga (Part 2 - Monday at work)
The Saga (Part 3 - …and away we go)
The Saga (Part 4 - The ‘REAL’ talk)

With a hangover from the night before, I stumbled into work on Wednesday.  Of course I couldn’t leave the dilemma I was still conflicted with alone.  I emailed the Old Man.

tS:My head hurts. Not only has it been spinning over the thought of you but last night I added god only knows how many beers to the problem.

Last night was tougher on me than I thought it would be and I started to question everything in my life. One thing I noticed is that we never discuss our feelings. We answer with very calculated, well thought out answers. We are both skeptical that the right one is out there for us. Maybe they are out there or maybe we are setting ourselves up for failure by thinking they are. What I’m trying to say is that nearly everyone compromises in some way to choose to be with someone else. I’m sure we both have those friends who marry someone and when you meet that person you think, “this is who they married? They are nothing like I pictured, nothing like they’ve dated in the past.” I am constantly thrown by the people I see my friends with but are they settling? Maybe they’ve realized the things they think they wanted just aren’t as important as being with someone who loves them and makes them feel good about themselves no matter what the rest of the package contains.

I feel as though I haven’t been really living MY life. A lot of the time I feel I am living the life that others think I should have. I told people from the time I was 5, I was going to be an architect. My junior year of HS came and it was time to chose a college. My dad sat me down one day and said, “I don’t know if architecture is a good way to go.” He had talked to one of his patients who was an architect/engineer and apparently they wished they had gone into engineering first before architecture. Maybe they would have realized they could make a better living in engineering and not even gone into architecture. I asked, “Engineering? What kind of engineering?” And so I applied to a bunch of engineering schools because my dad said I should. He knew I wasn’t happy there so during my 3rd yr he promised me if I finished the degree (because my family aren’t quitters. We finish what we start) he would help me with architecture school as well.

Another eye opener happened the other day when I asked my mom why we live here and I told her my only reason for being in WI was because they were here. She told me that wasn’t a good reason. Again, I’m doing what I should be doing and not necessarily what I want to be doing.

A long time ago, I may have been 10, my dad and I got talking about kids. I told him I wanted 2. He told me 2 wasn’t enough. 3 would be better. It would form a democracy between the kids. If one was doing something silly the other two would be there to stop them, etc. And so it was written. I was to have 3 kids because my dad said so and he had thought it out. Is it what I want? I don’t know.

I feel as though my world is caving in around me. All I’ve been trying to do my whole life is make others proud. I put others before myself and my own needs so much that I don’t know what I need or what I really want. I feel as though I owe it to myself to figure that out. I owe it to myself to give you and I a chance. If children are the one thing that stands in our way, is that really a good reason to not be with the person who could potentially make me happy in every other way? Everyone compromises something. I don’t know if I can compromise children but I’m not sure I want to compromise you because I think I maybe someday might possibly want one.

I know I’m rambling.
Thoughts?

 

The Saga (Part 4 - The ‘REAL’ talk)

Missed the beginning? That’s ok. You can go there now and read it.
The Saga (Part 1)
The Saga (Part 2 - Monday at work)
The Saga (Part 3 - …and away we go)

I made it to work on Tuesday.  I got situated at my desk when the emails started from the Old Man.  They started simple.  Thanks for coming, good to see you…yadda, yadda, yadda.  Then the big one.

OM: OK…So to continue our discussion…maybe share some of your thoughts as a starting point for dialog (?).

1.  How does the distance thing work?  What are you looking for in a committed relationship as far as time commitment per week?  You mentioned you are pretty independent and enjoy your time to do what you want, see friends, etc.  What does that mean exactly?

2.  How serious are you about having a baby?  What kind of timing are you thinking?  This is the one thing I don’t know if I could accommodate…just been there done that.  Children are super great, but after being limited as to what/where I can live etc for the last 12 years I’m not sure I can embrace that again.  I can be flexible on a lot of things but not sure if this is one of them.  I thought about that since we talked last night…just being honest.

3.  How serious are you about marriage?  What kind of timing are you thinking?

4.  You talked about the short-term fix of having some immediate project work near my city, but where do you ultimately want to live?

4.  You were apparently still getting text messages and phone calls from “the boy” last night so I expect you two have been seeing a lot of each other.  You mentioned it’s not xxx but hmmmmm….i wonder.

5.  I was looking at your myspace page and noticed in all of your writings, etc include friends, family, etc. but no mention of me even as a friend.  Now be honest here…are you a little embarrassed about my age?  ;) 6.  And then of course there was your date in California…naughty!  How would we change the dynamic we’ve created as a working basis of our friendship (previous FWB)…distance might preclude feeling comfortable that either/both would be adhering to the new dynamic (committed LTR). 

Just some thoughts…curious what you think.  I have been thinking a lot more lately about where my life is going and really want to start making some choices about that.  I’ve been divorced now for 4 years…too old to be a playboy forever.

 

The Saga (Part 3 - …and away we go.)

Missed the beginning? That’s ok. You can go there now and read it.
The Saga (Part 1)
The Saga (Part 2 - Monday at work)

I set off on my journey into the unknown.  “What was tonight going to bring?  Could I finally get what I had been waiting for?”  I tried not to think about it but the more I tried the more questions I had.  I felt anxious, excited, relieved, and scared.  “How can I let this man back into my life after I just started to get over him?”  I called Sunny for support.  It was good to talk to someone who was faced with similar questions in her own life. 

I arrived at the Old Man’s house around 7:30 as planned.  He left the garage door open as usual so I could let myself in.  I walked in.  “Hello!”  Walked into his room and put down my bag then found him in the living room all cuddled up on the couch waiting for me.  I walked over and sat down next to him and pulled the blanket over me as well.  He gave me a sweet kiss and said with a big smile, “Welcome home.  Um.  Back.  Welcome back.”  I smiled.  We chatted a little since we hadn’t really talked in weeks while watching TV.  Then the ‘talk’ began.

 

The Saga (Part 2 - Monday at Work)

Start at the beginning, The Saga (Part 1) .

I arrived at work on Monday and went through all my current email before I wrote the Old Man.  He asked me some questions about how to set up a MySpace page. Apparently his 12 y/o wants one so he wants to beat her to it and figure it all out first.  I think it’s funny that this 43 y/o man wants to create a MySpace page for himself but then again, I did meet him through Match.com.  After a little banter about nothing, I straight up asked him, “Didn’t you say you wanted to talk to me?  When were you thinking?”

He was surprised.  Apparently he figured that I wasn’t interested in discussing a future with him.  I decided it would be best to just get it over with and figure this stuff out before I had the next 50 years of my life figured out in my head.  I told him I would meet him at his house that night.  I told him, “The thought of all of this has been plaguing me for a week.  I’d rather just talk sooner than later.  This was part of the reason I had trouble sleeping last night.  I don’t think it will get any better until I know what’s going on.”

He assured me that it wasn’t meant to be unpleasant and stressful.  “Just a talk…things I’d like to discuss include maybe your thoughts on distance, kids (existing and ?), time together (how and how much), etc…All the fun little things a distance relationship would have to offer.  We’ve emailed thoughts before but never really talked about it.  Case-in-point…this little coordination effort here.  How does that sit with you?  Just some things to think about/talk about…”

I quickly emailed a few of my close girl friends to give them the update. 

I decided to look through some of my emails between the Old Man and me over the past year.  I came across one that I found rather amusing/confusing given the current situation from mid-March ‘06.