Look On The Bright Side

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

It’s a good thing I didn’t open myself up to getting more hurt by Dr. Chicago. If I would have had sex with him and he didn’t call imagine the wreck I would be in now. There is a reason why I couldn’t go to that level with him. Maybe all the coincidences I stated earlier about my parent’s anniversary date being in his user name to the city/street thing etc was all a test. Maybe I was supposed to meet him to see if I have matured to the point of having a real relationship with someone? Maybe he was a test to see if I could at least attempt to build a non-sexual relationship with a man? Maybe…

Over the weekend I’ve had a lot of time to replay each of our dates in my head. From the first date he tried to sleep with me. Each time we were in bed I literally had to say, “You SERIOUSLY need to stop” before he would. I understood the being in the same bed and trying but I have never had to be so forceful in saying no to anyone. I found it strange that he didn’t try much if any foreplay just went right in there for it. There’s a good chance I would have gone the oral route but not like that. Not when he doesn’t even try other options.

Our first date I was a bit uncomfortable when he laid on top of me on my couch. He wasn’t concerned with my comfort level at all. He just wanted sex. It was as if I blinked and suddenly he was naked and I was still in my pj’s. I also have a problem with guys who are willing to have sex with me while I’m still in any clothes. Well, sometimes. For our first time, why would I want to not be naked and feel our bodies together? After that, sure, wear a skirt, wear panties…whatever, but not the first time. Of course I also have a problem when guys try to have sex with me and only my shirt is on. It’s like, what? My boobs aren’t good enough to even look at let alone feel? Yes, I might have some issues here but that’s just me.

Our second date, as he was trying to weasel his way between my clenched legs he actually said, “Just relax.” That TOTALLY weirded me out. Any guy who knew I was uncomfortable in the situation and could actually calmly say “relax” and not feel like a dirty bastard…? EWE! He was not concerned about my physical or emotional comfort level. He was more then happy to “go for it” without a condom and he doesn’t even know me or what I’ve done or…anything. Ewe! Like not even a question of should we think about…? Or even talk to me about it. He could have at least asked, “What if I got some protection?” Sure I could have said something to him but I wasn’t the one trying to have sex with him.

Our third date, again, no protection as he’s right there just barely inside me, I looked at him. His eyes were closed and he was facing the wall behind me. I could tell all of his concentration was on trying to get inside and not on making me comfortable. It was as though he wasn’t there with me. I know he could feel me trying to push him away and get him off of me without allowing him any more access to me yet he was still looking at the wall, eyes closed. I know that’s part of the reason why I couldn’t relax. First of all, I was helpless below him. He’s a strong guy and I couldn’t budge him. He wasn’t connected to me. He wasn’t kissing me and trying to put me at ease he was just trying to get inside.

The more I think about all this, the more I thank god I didn’t have sex with him. Even though I was willing to overlook some of that only a few days ago for a chance to see where it could all lead, I deserve more than that. If he’s ok with making me feel that way, ok with telling me to “relax”, ok without a connection to me, then how many other women is he “ok” with? And how many other women don’t say “Stop”?

I’m better off. I know it however knowing I’m better off doesn’t keep me warm at night, or give me kisses on my forehead, or hold my hand.

 

Lesson Learned!

I made a BIG mistake last night. After going to the bar to celebrate my promotion, I drove to Needy Boy’s house. The bad part of this story is not that I drove there after a drink but I really should not have encouraged this boy.

He continuously contacts me and I finally caved. What can I say? I keep starting to write, “It was good to see him”, but that’s not really true. I haven’t seen him in at least 3 yrs. I nearly forgot what he looked like. He hasn’t changed and honestly, he looked good. He always was a good looking guy but just not the guy for me. You guessed it, that hasn’t changed either.

 

I’m On A Roll. Why Stop Now?

Thursday, I was at work all day before heading home for the first time since Wednesday morning. My girl friends were heading to the bar that night to watch the NCAA basketball games. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to go out but since I hadn’t seen my girls in over a week, I went. We went to our local watering hole, our own version of “Cheers”.

We were set up at the bar. There was a man who was obviously alone at the bar who caught my eye. Mmmm! I told Kat I was attracted to him. She looked at me and said, quite frankly, “You would be…he’s old.” He wasn’t THAT old. He was MAYBE in his forties. But he was totally my type, tall, dark hair, slender. There’s a very particular look to the kind of man who attracts me. I wasn’t in the mood to make the first move so I sat idly by waiting for him…waiting…waiting. The seat next to me at the bar freed up. He sat right next to me. **Still waiting…waiting…** Nothing! During this time, each of my girl friends took turns coming over to chat with me. Some times I feel like the mediator in their house seeing as I am their honorary roommate instead of full-fledged roommate.

After talking to each one individually, Kat came back over. She was getting quite tipsy. She decided to introduce her and I to this man who’s been sitting next to us for over an hour already. I don’t normally like to use people’s names **except for Kat** but I can’t come up with a better name for this man than the one his parents gave him, Howard. When he told me his name I had a difficult time holding back the laughter and remarks I was thinking of, but I did. Howard and I talked for the rest of the time at the bar. I found out that he was not from here but was in town about every other week for work which explained why he was at the bar by himself on a Thursday night. We talked for the rest of the night. He then asked if I wanted to go to his hotel bar. The bar is actually a cool place that over looks the city and it was only about 2 blocks away. Sure! Why not?

 

The Saga (Part 5 - Conflicted)

Start from the top:  
The Saga (Part 1)
The Saga (Part 2 - Monday at work)
The Saga (Part 3 - …and away we go)
The Saga (Part 4 - The ‘REAL’ talk)

With a hangover from the night before, I stumbled into work on Wednesday.  Of course I couldn’t leave the dilemma I was still conflicted with alone.  I emailed the Old Man.

tS:My head hurts. Not only has it been spinning over the thought of you but last night I added god only knows how many beers to the problem.

Last night was tougher on me than I thought it would be and I started to question everything in my life. One thing I noticed is that we never discuss our feelings. We answer with very calculated, well thought out answers. We are both skeptical that the right one is out there for us. Maybe they are out there or maybe we are setting ourselves up for failure by thinking they are. What I’m trying to say is that nearly everyone compromises in some way to choose to be with someone else. I’m sure we both have those friends who marry someone and when you meet that person you think, “this is who they married? They are nothing like I pictured, nothing like they’ve dated in the past.” I am constantly thrown by the people I see my friends with but are they settling? Maybe they’ve realized the things they think they wanted just aren’t as important as being with someone who loves them and makes them feel good about themselves no matter what the rest of the package contains.

I feel as though I haven’t been really living MY life. A lot of the time I feel I am living the life that others think I should have. I told people from the time I was 5, I was going to be an architect. My junior year of HS came and it was time to chose a college. My dad sat me down one day and said, “I don’t know if architecture is a good way to go.” He had talked to one of his patients who was an architect/engineer and apparently they wished they had gone into engineering first before architecture. Maybe they would have realized they could make a better living in engineering and not even gone into architecture. I asked, “Engineering? What kind of engineering?” And so I applied to a bunch of engineering schools because my dad said I should. He knew I wasn’t happy there so during my 3rd yr he promised me if I finished the degree (because my family aren’t quitters. We finish what we start) he would help me with architecture school as well.

Another eye opener happened the other day when I asked my mom why we live here and I told her my only reason for being in WI was because they were here. She told me that wasn’t a good reason. Again, I’m doing what I should be doing and not necessarily what I want to be doing.

A long time ago, I may have been 10, my dad and I got talking about kids. I told him I wanted 2. He told me 2 wasn’t enough. 3 would be better. It would form a democracy between the kids. If one was doing something silly the other two would be there to stop them, etc. And so it was written. I was to have 3 kids because my dad said so and he had thought it out. Is it what I want? I don’t know.

I feel as though my world is caving in around me. All I’ve been trying to do my whole life is make others proud. I put others before myself and my own needs so much that I don’t know what I need or what I really want. I feel as though I owe it to myself to figure that out. I owe it to myself to give you and I a chance. If children are the one thing that stands in our way, is that really a good reason to not be with the person who could potentially make me happy in every other way? Everyone compromises something. I don’t know if I can compromise children but I’m not sure I want to compromise you because I think I maybe someday might possibly want one.

I know I’m rambling.
Thoughts?

 

The Saga (Part 2 - Monday at Work)

Start at the beginning, The Saga (Part 1) .

I arrived at work on Monday and went through all my current email before I wrote the Old Man.  He asked me some questions about how to set up a MySpace page. Apparently his 12 y/o wants one so he wants to beat her to it and figure it all out first.  I think it’s funny that this 43 y/o man wants to create a MySpace page for himself but then again, I did meet him through Match.com.  After a little banter about nothing, I straight up asked him, “Didn’t you say you wanted to talk to me?  When were you thinking?”

He was surprised.  Apparently he figured that I wasn’t interested in discussing a future with him.  I decided it would be best to just get it over with and figure this stuff out before I had the next 50 years of my life figured out in my head.  I told him I would meet him at his house that night.  I told him, “The thought of all of this has been plaguing me for a week.  I’d rather just talk sooner than later.  This was part of the reason I had trouble sleeping last night.  I don’t think it will get any better until I know what’s going on.”

He assured me that it wasn’t meant to be unpleasant and stressful.  “Just a talk…things I’d like to discuss include maybe your thoughts on distance, kids (existing and ?), time together (how and how much), etc…All the fun little things a distance relationship would have to offer.  We’ve emailed thoughts before but never really talked about it.  Case-in-point…this little coordination effort here.  How does that sit with you?  Just some things to think about/talk about…”

I quickly emailed a few of my close girl friends to give them the update. 

I decided to look through some of my emails between the Old Man and me over the past year.  I came across one that I found rather amusing/confusing given the current situation from mid-March ‘06.