It’s been a long time since I posted and that’s because I’ve been so wrapped up with my new relationship. Hometown Boy and I never did figure out a way to keep things casual. He has quickly become one of my best friends. I can’t imagine going a day without talking to him in some way - either in person, phone, or email. We’ve been typically spending half our weeks together. We’ve become that couple. We spend the weekend together. We have plans together. We have projects. We have dinner parties. We, we, we. I’m blissfully happy and don’t foresee a change in that anytime soon. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our disagreements and misunderstandings but we haven’t been in a fight. Everything is just going so well.

We’ve done the family thing. Poor guy, he spent memorial day weekend with my whole family at my parents. I’ve met nearly his whole extended family as well. He’s even done projects at my sister’s house. I feel like I should say it’s too good to be true but it is true. Neither of us is putting up a front or treading lightly. We just are who we are and it works. It’s exciting!

However, I do have some reservations. I’m not sure when but I know he plans to move back to CA within the next year. We’ve started to talk about how we can make things work and where our future will lead but we haven’t gone into much detail. It’s more like daydreaming than really talking about it right now.

Last week Thursday, after taking the advice of my two girl friends, I called Hometown Boy to tell him my concerns and the things I’ve been thinking. I was still so stressed out about the other people actually being someone. For about 2 hours we went back and forth about how he did in fact lead me to believe that other people didn’t exist due to his words and actions. He didn’t try to make any excuses. He knew what I was saying was what happened and his intuition told him I would respond the way I now was. He told me more about this other woman. They met and had their first date just before he and I had our first date (which wasn’t supposed to be a date). Their second date was planned at the end of the first. I can’t remember if he said they went on 3 dates so far or if the third is just planned. Either way, so far I’m winning with over 10 dates and most of those have been in the past 3 weeks.

I was/am disappointed that he wants to see this other woman still but there is an inner peace in me about it all as well. Something tells me that most women are not going to be able to handle his quirky behavior. He truly is a BIG nerd but I like it. He’s afraid we are too similar and I think it’s just wonderful. We know just how the other person would organize their silverware, dispose of things, install things, whatever, because we would do it the same way. It’s borderline scary but reassuring as well.

After our long conversation and things seeming to end between he and I, he explained how he didn’t want this (our relationship) to end just yet either. He needs to figure things out yet but he really enjoys being with me, talking to me. We ended on a good note. I asked him where all of this left us - not “us” but us. We agreed that we both want to still hang out, be able to give a call to go to dinner some night or just to watch a movie. He added that he wanted me to be comfortable enough to lay my head on his shoulder still. It was really quite sweet. He said he’d email me the next day and he did. It was a good thing too because after all of that I really didn’t know where we stood. It’s one thing to say something and it’s another to truly mean it and do it.

We chatted a bit over IM. I found out I could get extra tickets for the baseball game that night so I offered them to him and his friend. LMP and I were already going. It was only awkward for a few minutes after that we were snuggled close together. After the game we went to a bar where we continued the night. Hometown Boy and I were off and on holding hands at the table we were seated at. We were out until nearly bar time. HtB drove me home and walked me to my door. We kissed good night and he asked if I was ok after our talk the night before.

“I’m ok now that I know more information.”

We kissed some more then he headed to his car where his friend was waiting. He took his friend home but still had a long drive ahead of him so he called me to keep him company. He asked what my plans were for Saturday night. I didn’t have any so we made very tentative plans to possibly hang out. We both had tiring Saturday’s and we weren’t sure if either of us would be up for anything.

Saturday evening came. We had both took naps during the day so even though we didn’t talk until 9pm we still decided to get together. I drove up to his place. We watched TV for a while once I got to his place and then eventually made our way to bed. We keep our new boundaries very well until Sunday afternoon when we were still laying in bed. We figured out where the point of no return was so we’ll try to be better at not crossing that line. Besides, it was a great way to leave things for a while. A REALLY GREAT way. Sigh!

It was after 4 when we made our way outside for a long walk. It was supposed to be a 5 mile run but considering we were both still sore from our Saturday’s it wasn’t going to happen. After our walk we went to the hardware store to buy a few items - one for me, some for him. Back at Hometown Boy’s house we went to work installing a new ceiling fan. It took longer then planned as most projects do, but we finished it without problems. **Well, he finished it. I handed him things.** We sat down to watch a little TV before I headed home but I crashed. I ended up staying another night.

If this is what “taking it slow” means then sign me up. As for this other woman, I’m not too concerned after this weekend. We will be watching things from now on however, trying to hold back. Supposedly the next time I stay the night I will not be sleeping in his bed. We’ll see how all this goes. I don’t want to enforce too many rules on us and he agreed. We’re going to therefore have a rule of thumb that we try to meet but we won’t get too hung up about an occasional swing and a miss.

It’s amazing how often I tend to hear what I want to hear instead of hearing what is said. Well, it happened again. I was sure that Hometown Boy was just blowing hot air when he told me he was dating around. Nope. Not so much. I still haven’t asked him many (if any) questions about this “other woman” but they are probably going to start pretty soon. **Why is it that I’m always dealing with other women?** There are some still vague questions which I need answered such as “Did you know this other woman before moving back to the area?” She lives some where in the vicinity. If he made a conscience effort of moving back here to see “what if” with her then I think I’ll need to back out of the whole situation. I know he’s been seeing her longer then he’s been seeing me but that’s where the information was left…because I didn’t ask. I don’t want to pry but I also no longer know if I should believe what he’s telling me and I can’t get caught up in another situation similar to the one I was in with the Old Man. I know I’m not strong enough for that. Emotionally I can’t deal with being “the other woman” and since the relationship with this other person has been going on longer then his and mine, that’s exactly how I feel, like the other woman.

I do really like the man and he seems genuinely interested in me. I can’t imagine he’s allowing this other person to share his bed with him because he does live with his sister and that would just be awkward for her to see one woman one night and another the next. However, that doesn’t mean he’s not spending nights at her place. Ugh! The whole thing is irritating. When I told my roommate that the other woman does in fact exist she was speechless, literally, speechless. She’s seen the two of us together on more then one occasion and said, “I can’t believe he’s seeing someone else. He’s completely into you. I’ve seen the way he is with you.” That’s just it. I know the way he is with me. If he’s that way with someone else…well, that just makes me sick to my stomach. If he doesn’t have the connection with her like he does with me, then why is he still seeing her? I just don’t get it. Not that he doesn’t have a right to see other people but “other people” is different then “someone else”. Is he telling this other woman “you make it easy to like you” as well, how comfortable she makes him, or all those other little words he says to me that I hang onto? It’s not that I’m upset with him. As I said, he has every right to date. I didn’t hear what he was saying and now I’m just plain irritated that he told me he “never wants to hurt” me. Is he planning to? WTF?

I need to focus on myself, so this week I’m practicing restraint. I will respond to an email but I’m not going to go out of my way to respond immediately or have an email conversation with him every day like we have been. I will not ask him, “When can I see you again.” He can even ask me if we’re running this weekend. I’ve initiated the past few weeks and even made him buy new shoes. It’s his turn to show me he wants to run with me. **And I mean that literally. That wasn’t an analogy for show me he wants to spend time with me or likes me or anything. I’m talking only about running. I don’t want to be a nag dragging him along on my training runs if he doesn’t want to be there.** I’m not going to disappear from his life in any way but I am going to hold back. I feel I’ve already invested too much into him. Due to his uncertainty, I need to be more guarded. I need to take care of me.

Last night when I was online I saw another article on MSN Dating and Personals, Is he into you?  I have a weekness for reading these tid-bits of information even if it is something that I already know.  Sometimes it’s just entertaining sort of like reading your fortune out of a fortune cookie.  This article gives 8 tips for knowing he’s into you.  I’ll use Hometown Boy as comparison to what the article says.

1. He can’t relax.
WOW!  So true.  Honestly the first few times we were together cuddling on the couch the boy couldn’t sit still.  Total ants-in-the-pants syndrome.  He’s since gotten better about staying in one place but the figiting is still often there.

2. He connects the dots.
Not only does Hometown Boy remember the things we talk about or do in the present day but he remembers things we did since 2nd grade in detail I can’t even imagine.

3. His focus is on you and only you.
I believe LMP and Kat would agree, when we were out last weekend at the bar there was definitely a substantial period of time where we were completely unaware that we were even there with my friends - having our own little conversations and little kisses.  Completely enthralled with one another.

4. He sneaks in a “we”.
I haven’t made note of whether or not he’s done this mostly because I’m trying my hardest NOT to do it myself.  I’ve already given the boy an errand to run for me.  He hasn’t done it just yet but no rush.  It’s just going to Nosey Ned’s dad’s store for a new watch battery.  Hometown Boy has sisters so it wouldn’t be strange for him to bring in a woman’s watch.

5. He leads you on - in a good way.
Thursday afternoon I mentioned I bought a pretty new dress but I didn’t have anywhere to wear it to.  Well, twice on Thursday night he asked me where (what type of occasion) I could wear this dress.  He was obviously leading me to know where we could go on a date - dinner, a show, church…  We still haven’t figured out where this dress will be taking us.  It needs to get a bit warmer before I’ll be breaking it out.

6. He’s happy to be somewhere that’s normally not his scene.
Can you say last week Saturday?  Let’s see, first he was with a good portion of my family for a few hours and then with a bunch of my friends in a bar I don’t even like to go to anymore…but he was happy to be there.

7. He makes an effort with your friends.
Kat, any thoughts?  He definitely tried to make an impression with his elephant and turtle impersonation.  He also made a point of talking to each and every person who were obviously most important to me - the few I’m prepped him on before getting to my friend’s house.

8. He eagerly brings you into his inner circle.
I’m technically still waiting for this, however, he has had me over on several occasions to his house where he lives with his sister.  If he didn’t want his family to know about me then he’s doing a bad job.  He still has a few friends in the area from our HS class.  People I knew as well WAY BACK THEN.  Tonight he’s going out with one of them who he hasn’t seen since before he went to CA.  Since he hasn’t spent a ton of time with the few people he knows in the area in over a month I wouldn’t think he’d pull me into the mix yet.  If another month or 2 goes on and nothing has changed then I might start wondering what’s up. 

Oh and don’t worry, guys.  There’s an article for you as well, Is she into you?  Here’s what they had to say.

1. The power of touch.  They’re not talking about her touching you but about her touching her arms or fidgeting with her hands.
2. Girlish antics. Giggling and blushing.  Resorting to her youthful behavior.
3. Express checkout. Basically raping you with her eyes.  Checking out every last inch of you.
4. The Spanish inquisition.  Drilling you with questions just to find out more about you.  Asking about your future plans and goals.
5. Limited interruptions. She truely is interested in just you when she will just quietly listen.
6. Space invasion.  Body language speaks louder than anything in my book.  If she’s finding a way to move into your personal space she likes you.
7. Innocent insults.  If delivered with a smile it can mean good news.
8. Perpetual preening. Don’t just write it off as she’s high maintenance, she’s may just be trying to look good for you.
9. Total recall. Or as I like to say, “bringing it back”, making full circle with things you say either in the same conversation or days later.  She’s been listening and that’s a good thing.
10. Inconsequential contact. These are the little touches - touching your arm, leg, whatever during innocent conversation.

I know Hometown Boy likes me.  It’s very clear.  From him remembering some of the most minute details of our childhood and things that we did together.  Hell, most of what he remembers I long since forgot.  One story that keeps coming up is when he bet me his lite up yo-yo.  I still haven’t figured out what we bet but boy do I remember that yo-yo.  It was 2nd grade.

Last week was definitely out of the ordinary.  I went to HtB’s house on Thursday night.  He had gotten back from California on Wednesday.  The night went great especially since we hadn’t seen each other in weeks but we talked about a lot over email while he was away.  We hung out on the couch watching TV and playing Guitar Hero.  **BTW, I SUCK at Guitar Hero even though it was only my first time.**  We talked a lot.  Not about much.  Just catching up.  Finally we made our way to bed.  Normally this would be where I tell you all about the sex we had and all that jazz but this time it was different.  We laid in bed for 3 hours kissing and talking.  Nothing else.  It was absolutely wonderful.

The weekend quickly came.  Friday night I had a “girl’s only party” at my house which I’ll have to post about later.  Saturday, I invited Hometown Boy to my aunt and uncle’s anniversary party.  I was surprised he went.  I gave him several options for how the night could go yet he wanted to go to the family party.  He held is own very well of course he already knew my immediate family from our childhood. 

After the anniversary party we drove downtown to meet up with a bunch of my friends.  I felt a little bad for him since it was a whole night of him not knowing a soul except me.  That didn’t stop him though.  He did his best to meet and get to know everyone there.  From the response of my girl friends, I think he did alright.  I know I was impressed with him.

Sunday HtB and I went for a run.  We cooled down by taking a shower…together.  **Now keep in mind that we still have not had sex.  Shower.  No sex.**  After our shower we laid around in bed all afternoon just talking.  No music.  No TV.  Just him and I for hours laying there in each others arms mostly naked.  It wasn’t until 8 pm when we finally parted ways - over 24 hours of together time.

Throughout the week we emailed a lot again.  It was decided I would go to his house again on Thursday, last night.  We watched Juno and had a few small “talks” about children and our own families growing up.  There are so many similarities it’s almost scary.  It was so nice to cuddle on the couch.  I’ve really grown used to his kisses and I really enjoy them.  Then bedtime hit and we went to bed.  One thing led to another and, well,… you know.  He was a tad insecure but not in a pathetic way at all.  He just didn’t want to disappoint.  I later found out why.  Let’s just say his numbers are low.  My numbers haven’t been that low since I became sexually active.  After finding that out I really felt honored that he felt comfortable enough with me to add me to the very, very, very few.  Things seemed to be looking up.  The boy’s obviously into me and then more.  Sigh! 

As we laid in bed we started getting into where “we” are.  That’s when the fantasy started to fade.  I stayed quiet and let him talk.  I didn’t ask him to but he felt he needed to.  He said I was “a really good friend” plus some other stuff about not wanting a relationship right now.  He added that he met me at a great time (after he was crushed by someone else).  He assured me that he doesn’t want to hurt me in any way and that he likes spending time with me, wasn’t expecting any of this.  Then followed up with, “we were supposed to just go skiing.”  He again made it clear that he plans to date other people.  I told him I’m not.  I’m burned out of the dating scene right now and just not interested in it.  He assured me he would be ok with me dating so don’t feel like I can’t.  I didn’t know what to say.  It was quiet as we laid there naked in each others arms.  Then I asked if he would be ok with me laying naked in bed with some other guy.  He wasn’t at all phased by it.  Like seriously not AT ALL.  WTF?  He asked if I would be if he was.  I said no.  I’d be jealous.  **I don’t want to think about him with other women.  C’mon.** 

“I thought you weren’t a jealous person” he said. 

“I’m typically not but yes, that would bother me.” 

We left things alone for a while but then he brought up the complications with him moving back to CA and how he doesn’t want to plan his future.  He just wants to feel it out and know what he’s feeling is real.  I told him I want him to stay in the area long enough for us to know if big changes to our lives are worth it.  I know he’s moving back to California.  There isn’t a question but the only unknown right now is when exactly is he leaving.  He felt the same.

I don’t understand him.  **I know, I’m not supposed to understand everything but…**  One second he’s saying I’m a “good friend” (I gave him a lot of shit about saying that) then the next he’s leading on that he’s really into me.  I don’t get it.  I got an email from him earlier this evening saying he was busy tonight and that tomorrow he’s heading out for a “boy’s night” with another guy from H.S.  At least I’ll see him on Sunday when we go for our run.  I’m beginning to think I need to hold back more.  I don’t want to be too accessible but I don’t want him to have too much time alone finding other people.  However I can’t stop thinking about him telling me ”he’s busy tonight”.  What’s he’s busy with or who is he busy with?  I’m not supposed to be the insecure one.  Why am I?  I know he likes me more then he’ll tell me with direct words.  It’s so apparent in the way he talks and the way he acts.  I know I shouldn’t be thinking this way but I just can’t help it.  UGH! 

Whether he wants to or not, it’s quite clear Hometown Boy is falling for me. I say this because he has been in contact with me too much for it to just be a casual acquaintance. When we made our plans for tonight I told him I’ll be expecting a smooch. He told me he was thinking the same thing. Last night as he was traveling back home, he text me to let me know he was closer. Then text me again to let me know he was back in town. It was cute. I wasn’t expecting it. Hoping…but not expecting.

I can tell he’s a little nervous about tonight as well. He emailed me to let me know his sister destroyed their house while he was gone. **This doesn’t surprise me.** He wanted to know what he should focus on cleaning since he is busy with work and won’t have a ton of time to get everything back to normal. He also added that his sister has taken over the spare bedroom so even if I wanted to I wouldn’t be able to use it. **Right! Like I’d be sleeping by myself in his house. Yeah, ok!**

Truth be told, I’m a bit nervous about tonight as well. After him being gone for over 2 weeks and everything that’s been said over email in that time, the feelings I’ve allowed to grow…hopefully it lives up to all the hype and I wasn’t just attaching myself to words on a screen but an actual person. Does that make sense?

Hometown Boy returns tomorrow. He’s been gone for 2 1/2 weeks. In that time we’ve been emailing a lot - about every day at least once. We’ve had several interesting conversations about “us”. I posted a few of his comments in my last blog entry. At first I didn’t know what to think about it all. He was very adamant about needing to date other people and not getting attached to one person, yadda, yadda, yadda. I was a bit disappointed but at the same time I didn’t know what my feelings were so I wasn’t hurt by him saying that.

I’ve been keeping one of my sisters in the loop about HtB. She came up with a very interesting and probably true perspective on what’s going on and why he’s being so coy. It’s a small town! She’s right. The small town is part of the reason why we’ve had these conversations about where this isn’t going…yet, I’m sure of it. Take Snoopy Sue (my ex-boyfriend’s mom, my mom’s best friend, good friend of HtB’s mom, and all around gossip queen of our little town - gotta love her but it is true), she has been sticking her nose in about what’s going on with HtB and I. Her son, Nosey Ned (my ex), cornering my sister in the bank to find out what’s going on with HtB and I. It’s all too much. Who cares? I know my mom feeds into some of it. She enjoys knowing things and being able to tell people even though she says she doesn’t. I know her and Snoopy Sue don’t keep much from each other. Honestly, I think she took it worse then I did when I told her there wasn’t anything serious going on.

“HtB is dating other people”, I said.
**The look of shock and disappointment!**
“Who?”
“I don’t know, mom. I didn’t think it was my place to ask.”

I’ve been telling my mother to keep Snoopy Sue out of it. Don’t tell her anything. After all, it was due to Nosey Ned’s and my mother that put added stress into his and my relationship. It was surely doomed from the beginning because they REALLY wanted us to be together. N-Ned’s wife, it worked out with her because S-Sue didn’t like her. She didn’t want them to be together so therefore they were together. Since then they’ve grown to like each other but it took time. Not like me. When N-Ned and I started to show interest in one another I swear our parents were not only planning our wedding but naming our first born. I’ve warned my mom not to push because it doesn’t help. Apparently her ears aren’t so good. Well, it’s not like she’s pushing but she does ask about HtB pretty often.

So my sister’s theory is this, HtB just wants to keep things as casual as possible (at least in the eyes and ears of our babbling suburb). Even though he says he’s seeing other people, who and when? Really! Our tiny town is full of women with 10 kids. The pickin’s are slim. **Ok, that was an exaggeration but not completely untrue.** I suppose it is possible that he could be dating someone but again, WHEN? He spent 2 weekends with me before heading out to CA. We have plans to see each other on Thursday night. **I have a dance class until 8:30 so I’m heading to his house instead of home. He promises to have me up early so I’m not late for work.** We’re also training for a 1/2 marathon together. It just doesn’t seem as though there are enough hours in the day for these “other women” he’s dating. When things happen like last Friday I also have to wonder. He was texting me most of the night while out with his friends. He lost a substantial amount of money at the horse track. I told him he should be spending that money on me, not horses. “When I get back - don’t worry.” It’s all the little things. Maybe I’m reading too far between the lines but I don’t think I am.

However, then there are comments like the following after a meeting about his job and where it could lead. “Such an opportunity is very exciting… and I think I really do want it. It feels like a healthy, fulfilling, natural progression for my career. I guess I’ll have to figure out if there’s anything keeping me in WI that can compete with that. That’s not going to be easy.” You know me, I responded very lighthearted saying, “I love CA. Hint. Hint.” but I was thinking is this a stab at me or just a matter-of-fact comment? I know he loves his job and there’s no where else he’d rather work and right now we’ve only been catching up on the past 12 years for about a month. I’m not sure you could say we’re in a relationship **especially with him “dating other people”**. I wouldn’t be planning my life around him at this point so I can’t expect him to. I just want him to stick around here long enough for both of us to know if this is worth considering any big life changes. I would have no problem moving out to CA if that’s where he needed to be and we were going to try something real.

So, the question remains, can I compete with CA?

Here are some of the highlights from some of the emails Hometown Boy has sent me this week.

1. [Mother of my (tS) exboyfriend/my mom’s best friend, friend of HtB's parents (told you, small town)] called me a couple days ago to ask how my “hot date” went last Friday.  Can’t two friends go on some dates, hang out, and make out if they want to without everyone poking their noses in?

2. I’m not sure if this is necessary, and I hope it is no way harmful, but it has been on my mind to let you know how I see “us”.

3. I’m trying to enjoy dating simply for what it is. And I also want to make sure I don’t lead anyone on. If there’s anything we’re doing that makes this feel like more than that for you, maybe we should cut back.

4. You are far more intelligent, witty, and quick than I had ever realized. You are also
kinder and sweeter than I recall, too. It doesn’t seem like you are significantly different or changed.

5. I feel like I’m fulfilling the dreams of all the past crushes I’ve had on you, so in that regard, I’m not sure how much of how I feel is latent and how much is present.

6. It’s nice to have someone (albeit almost anyone) find comfort in my arms, but you do so especially nicely.

7. My bed here is quite lonely, too, and I just don’t seem to have the right covering to get comfortable like I would at home — or with you.

8. It’s refreshing to be able to tell someone how I feel and to have her reciprocate with a real conversation about it.

9. There’s probably not too much more to say over email, but I’m really enjoying the conversation. It will probably be good to talk a little when I get back — and I’m looking forward to it.

10. I want to be clear, though, that I’m dating other people and I need to keep doing so.

11. I have to hold back my engineering-like drive to get to the end and avoid becoming
attached far too soon, which seems to have always been a big problem for me. I think I may react too strongly to little things at the beginning. If I can avoid that early on, hopefully there will be some overwhelming notion down the road that will help me be certain when the time is right with the right person. Does that make any sense? I can try a different explanation when I get back if you like. This may in some ways be a Venus and Mars issue.

12. I do like you for who you are now. Granted there may be some latent attraction, but
that’s secondary.

13. I genuinely have a great time with you the person who impressed me around every turn, and the person who continues to impress me.

Yesterday the Old Man and I had the following email conversation.  It basically states that we’re not having lunch on Monday anymore.  He’s scared as hell to be engaged.  He still has some kind of feelings for me.  I’m not sure, but my guess is he was hoping for more then I told him he would get.  No surprise there.  It’s also no surprise that he cancelled the lunch date.  He has a tendancy to do that…A LOT.  Oh well.  I was a little hesitate to accept at first anyway but I did because I knew I could contain myself.  I’m trying to focus on someone else right now.  **Oh, there’s a story there as well.  I’ve been meaning to post about it all week but work’s been a tad on the busy side.  I haven’t been able to gather my thoughts but, no worries, it will be posted soon.** 

Here’s the conversation.

OM: I get the sense maybe you’re not all that interested in lunch Monday (??). It’s ok if ur not…won’t have my feelings hurt (too bad anyway)! I’ll just cry for days!!!!

tS: I wouldn’t have said yes if I didn’t mean it. But realize it is just lunch this time.

OM: Reason I asked if YOU were interested.

tS: Not sure I understand your inflection?
OM: Maybe not so good an idea on the lunch you think? Not because it’s not “lunch” but because I get the sense you’re pretty sarcastic to me lately. Ever since the email you sent me about if we didn’t have “visits” then what good was I to you…think you’re line was “don’t need another pen pal” or something to that effect. I’m not sure what we’d talk about…just being honest…not feelin’ the love lately and that’s fine. Maybe we’re at that point…

tS: You are infuriating. You know that? I’m not going to sit here and spout sonnets to you. I appreciate you as a friend and always have. You are taking the “pen pal” comment out of context. Realize that when I said that I was hurt and having a difficult time moving on to the friend place. To say we wouldn’t have anything to talk about that’s just stupid, frankly. You and I have never been short on conversation. If you asked me to lunch as more then just friends then you are right, it wouldn’t be a good idea because I’ll be uncomfortable and you’ll be disappointed. If it is in fact only lunch then great! See you Monday.

OM: Fair enuf. But I don’t like to push myself on anyone I think you must know that about me. I was going to talk with you about some things going on in my life, but then again maybe that’s inappropriate given the circumstances and our history. I just missed seeing you and my impulse was to ask you to lunch on my week off…maybe not fair tho because I still have some unresolved stuff myself where you’re concerned. In my dream sequence we ran across a flowery field throwing daisies over our shoulders and pooping smiley faces and falling into each other’s arms in a meaningful yet PG-13 embrace (ok, maybe not the pooping part)…again, not realistic I suppose given the circumstances. I need to get better writers for my dream sequences!!!

tS: Silly [OM], I’ve always been here for you to talk to. I think you know that about me and even though we have history I’ve tried never to let that get in the way of giving any advice to you whether you asked for it or not. ;) It’s your call. BTW, I already knew this lunch was for you more then for me (as far as figuring things out). As for your unresolved stuff, you already know my main focus right now is who’s going to give me babies within the next 3-5 years. Since you’re not it there shouldn’t be anything left to resolve. ;P
Oh, nice dream BTW. Slightly entertaining but disturbing at the same time.

OM: Thanks honey! Ok, maybe we’ll wait then if that’s ok with you (premature e-lunch-ulation on my part). I’m afraid I’ll get all weepy and you’ll lose all respect (the small percentage left anyway) that you have for me. FTR…I can give you babies if you get in a pinch (tic-tock-tick-tock-tick…).

tS: You’re a PIMA! You know that. Right? What’s this tic-tock bullshit? F-er!!! j/k! You realize you have serious commitment issues don’t you? You can’t even commit to a meal. WTF?

OM: Yeah?….well…..well…..you’re a shittee kickball player!!
You know what I just realized? You’re as old as [my ex-wife] was when she had [our first].

tS: Thanks. Thank you very much for that. Brat!!!

OM: Just bustin’ your chops dear! ;)

tS: You’re just hurt because you know what I said was true about you. Way to be mature about it.

OM: Ha! Maybe! But what I said wasn’t intended to be mean…just responding to your question about the tick-tock thing. J

tS: So, at lunch were you going to tell me you can no longer have a relationship with me even though it’s only via email but now you’re second guessing it so you cancelled? Therefore I should expect an email from you in about a week from your new address?

OM: Hehe! I deserve that but no. I was going to tell you about my reservations about being engaged and how it’s kinda suckin’ because she doesn’t seem that into me after the engagement, etc. Wow…talk about the many faces of Eve (her). I spent $1K on a 1ct center ring and she kind of put the screws to me to get it. Now she doesn’t wear it to bed, and forgets it during the day. I found it in the bathroom the other day….HELLO?! It’s the weirdest thing ever…can’t put my finger on it but think she’s either seeing someone else or has an interest elsewhere. I’m not the jealous/insecure type that way (am I not?…what’s your take?), and it wouldn’t bother me if we weren’t engaged…but being tied to someone where you feel like you might be wasting your time is pretty annoying and I can’t help but feeling resentfulness growing. I also get the hand in the face if I bring up any questions related to her “change”…completely off limits and she gets WAY defensive. It’s not supposed to be this way and it sucks big time!!!! I always looked at myself as someone who is perceptive but I feel like I got duped on this one! I don’t know what to do. I suppose it will all be resolved one way or another in the fullness of time, but I’m getting increasingly more annoyed…how does a couple survive if communication is considered to be a bad thing by one party? Oh, and I don’t pick either…let stuff slide until I get to a point where I feel like I don’t deserve to be treated that way and then I broach the topic is casually as one can. I don’t know….oh well!

tS: That is weird. I’m trying to bite my tongue here because you know how I feel about her and your relationship. The way I see it, it’s messed up. Too many bridges have been burned too many times on both sides. From what you’ve told me in the past, she was pushing for an engagement but why? I’m sorry but a healthy relationship isn’t one where one person knows the other is wondering yet still wants a ring. No, that’s where all the cards need to be on the table and time needs to be taken to COMMUNICATE and work through the issues. If she’s shutting down and also not wearing a ring which she desperately wanted then you are right to feel…weird about it all. I would too and I’m not a jealous person either. Maybe the ring’s too small. I won’t take less then 1.5c, preferably 2 though. ;)

OM: Haha! Good luck with that (2 ct). J I re-read my email…not $1K…I meant $10K. No not small by any stretch! And yes…you’re prolly right on the other stuff. I used to be so together. All I can say is at least I’m not married, and it will be a good long time before that happens given the 180. Just freakin’ weird…never seen anything like it…and I’m old!

tS: Are you sure you don’t want to have lunch? I just feel like I’m a better listener face to face although my advice is usually better via email. Hmmm?

OM: Better wait. I’m vulnerable and afraid you’ll take advantage of me (and I’d let you). ;p

tS: Only in your dreams, sweetie, pooping smiley faces! EWE!!!

I was minding my own business today. Hardly even saying a word to even my coworkers who sit within feet of my desk. Then I had a lunch meeting. I was not prepared for what I returned to.

Old Man: You busy next week?
tS: Just working
OM: You’re ALWAYS working…except when you go on vacation all the time I mean.
tS: Hey, at least I haven’t had 4 jobs in the past 18 months.
(He has off next week because he’ll be starting a new job at a new company.
OM: I know…I’m going to hate making that extra $40K a year. What was I thinking? Brat!
tS: Well good. You’ll be able to afford the wedding AND send your girls to college.
OM: I’m not so sure I’m meant to be married….this is weird!! Just sayin’!
tS: So did you just write to rub it in that you have next week off?
OM: No I was going to ask you if you wanted to have lunch, but then you were a brat so I was pouting!
tS: Oh. Ok then. Are you finished pouting?
OM: I think so.
tS: good.
OM: Do you want to have lunch with me?
tS: Is this lunch or “lunch”? Because lunch I’ll do but I won’t “do” “lunch”.
OM: I was thinking lunch, but I’m not sure we’ve ever had just lunch. LOL
tS: We’ve never had just anything since the first time we met.
OM: Fuckin’ chemistry anyway!!
tS: Just because I’m basically 1/2 your age… ;P
OM: Um no. Is that what you thought? Silly!!
And that’s 2/3….but who’s calculating? ;)
tS: Obviously not you.
OM: So are you not interested in lunch next week…or are they actually making you work and you’re too busy to respond? I was thinking maybe Monday or Wednesday…if you’re interested of course. J

I said Monday would work. I know you all will yell at me since every psychology book ever written would say this is one of the most unhealthy things to do. I’m looking at this as something else. I haven’t seen the man in months…MONTHS. I know this has to do with him. He needs to know that he’s made the right decision.

Me on the other hand? I feel like I’ve moved on since only on extremely rare occasions do I even think about him. So for me, I need to know if he and I can in fact be friends. If we are limited only to email because we otherwise can’t “control ourselves” then what’s the point of staying in contact at all? I’m not going to get sucked back into this whole…um…shit, at the very least it’s a free lunch.